


Picture This

by SoU2019



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst and Humor, BAMF Edward Elric, Ed Swears, Getting Together, Guilt, Happy Ending, Humor, I don't even know what is and isn't appropriate anymore, Look. I just want a sexy Roy calendar, M/M, Maes Hughes Lives, Mustang's Team, Photography, Pining, Post-Canon, Romance, SoUarchive, Trust Issues, bless all of you artists you make life awesome, but very minor, ed's an adult, maybe I should rate this M but idk and idc, some background Hawkeye/Ross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28377000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoU2019/pseuds/SoU2019
Summary: Maes Hughes decides to enlist the help of the military's sexiest members to create a calendar to help fundraise money for scholarships. How could anyone refuse to help with that?Aka: sexy photoshoot makes Roy question his life choices.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 47
Kudos: 192





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my dear Uncle Greg who thinks that preaching at me through an unsolicited email will turn me into a chaste, virtuous, virgin (lol too late) who want babies and missionary sex for the rest of my unworthy female life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm gonna have to write some filth and dedicate it to him too. He'll never know but it makes me feel better.
> 
> Post brotherhood, Ed's 19/20 and has no alchemy and two flesh limbs. Maes Hughes lives to embarrass Roy another day, and Madame Christmas talks some sense into her son.

_Central command was quiet, too quiet. Maes Hughes looked up from his paperwork and smiled at the corporal who had entered his office. The corporal looked constipated, and the smile on Hughes' face grew into a full-blown grin. That look meant one thing and one thing only; the project had received a green light._

* * *

The night was dark, and peaceful when Roy Mustang stepped out onto the street and made his way towards his car. A distant roar of thunder made him look up but his attention focused on the silhouette of his date. She stood in the window wearing a lace nightgown, a satisfied smile, and very little else. He smirked, raised his hand to his forehead in a mock salute, and gave a wink before sliding into the driver's seat. He didn't look back, but he felt her eyes on him as he turned a corner and headed back home.

Dating had become remarkably complicated in the years since moving to Central, but that was the price of becoming a public figure. This had only been the third date of the year, and at the ripe old age of 33, he was beginning to feel levels of sexual frustration that he had only known during his teen years. The fake dates with his mother's employee's made Havoc jealous, but the reality was that Jean was getting laid much more than Roy had in years.

On a fundamental level he knew that he could find any number of willing partners in the secretarial department, but dating a co-worker was too risky. If something went wrong, or if he said the wrong thing, they could turn on him and be more likely to report any of his suspicious activity to a higher up. There were plenty of men and women in Central who had no connection to the military, but he had been consistently in the newspapers since the Promised day, and it seemed that his every opener was answered with a 'haven't I seen you before?'

Visibility was low, and he squinted as he tried to see past the shadows cast by his headlights. The streets were empty, but the sound of thunder drowned out the engine, and Roy let out a groan as the first drop hit the windshield. Fuck! He was nearly home! Leaning forward he pressed his foot down on the gas, and felt the acceleration push him backwards. It wasn't difficult to weave through a few side streets to avoid the useless traffic lights, and with a few creative interpretations of traffic laws, he managed to park the car before having to use his windshield wipers. Digging the keys out of his pockets took longer than he would have liked, but he found them and stepped into his house just as the rain began in earnest.

He let out a loud sigh, and sat down on the little bench to remove his shoes. Placing them beside his military issue boots, he reached for a hanger and put away his coat before finally making his way towards his room. His shirt buttons parted as they had only a few hours ago, and his belt slipped free of its confines with one pull. There was a trace of lipstick on the collar of the shirt, but that would be a problem for tomorrow; for now, he draped it over the back of a chair along with the rest of his clothing. A shower was tempting, but he hadn't slept in what felt like weeks, so instead he crawled under the covers and fell asleep. 

* * *

Dawn came too soon, and Roy made a face as the taste of his own mouth made him desperate for some toothpaste. The man in the mirror looked like a poor imitation of a human, but it was an improvement on yesterday. Breakfast consisted of a handful of oatmeal that was as bland as the packaging and an apple that he would eat after his workout routine. He had taken up martial arts as a boy, and it had been a crucial part of his fighting style during his time at the Academy. Although alchemy gave him the privilege of long-distance fighting that required very little physical effort, he refused to let himself grow weak. It cost him an hour of desperately needed sleep, but the physical strength it offered was well worth it. The fact that it made him a more attractive sexual partner was a bonus, and a much needed boost to his ego. 

The fresh Friday air seemed to reinvigorate the men, and Roy nodded to all the "Good morning Sir's" and "Thank fuck it's Friday's." that came his way. The gym was the same as ever and by the time he finally extracted himself from the change rooms Hawkeye was standing by the doors waiting for him.

Her salute was impeccable as she said, "Good morning sir." She gave him a quick once over before saying, "Brigadier General Hughes is waiting for you." She paused long enough to let him know that Hughes is in one of those moods. "I doubt he has anything of importance to share."

Typical. Hughes was one of those people who would proclaim his pain to the world if he stubbed his toe, but would not make a sound if he had a life threatening illness. Roy had seen him seek sympathy from their C.O's for the faintest of bruises, but never once complained about the shrapnel that had nearly killed him in Ishval. If Hughes had anything valuable to share he would have waited, so clearly this was going to be a waste of time.


	2. Chapter 2

Hughes sat in Roy's chair with his feet propped up on the desk, and a handful of photographs in his hands.

"Roy!"

"Good morning." Roy said, preparing himself to have pictures of Elicia and the twins shoved into his face. "Dare I ask what you are up to this time?”

Hughes smiled broadly, “I have been given a very important assignment.”

Roy could feel his eyebrow twitch, “Oh really? Which ‘important’ assignment would that be?” Knowing Maes, it was probably something to do with getting everyone to buy Elicia’s girl scout cookies.

“This assignment is absolutely crucial to the survival of higher education amongst military personnel.” Maes said, jumping up and planting both hands on Roy’s desk. “I will need your full cooperation,” His eyes flick up and down Roy’s uniform, “Take off your shirt.”

It took far too long for the words to actually register, and Roy heard himself say “Dear me Maes, I am rather flattered by your interest, but have you spoken with Gracia? I do not wish to incur her ire.”

He really was a hopeless flirt wasn’t he?

“I had no idea you were interested, Roy. I’ll have a chat with Gracia.” Hughes winked, “But in all seriousness, I need you to take off your shirt.”

Roy looked at him suspiciously, “Why?”

Maes thumped his hands on the desk before throwing himself back into Roy’s chair. “Last month the funding for university scholarships was cut in half as part of the spending cuts.” Maes stretched his arms. “I am personally rather fond of encouraging officers to study, so I submitted a proposal to raise funds to ensure that the scholarships continue to exist.”

Roy sighed and turned to hang his coat on the rack, “What does this have to do with parting me from my clothing? It’s cold, I’d prefer to stay dressed.”

“I submitted a proposal to create a daily picture calendar featuring 365 of the most distinctive military officers that we could sell.”

Roy nearly dropped his coat, “What?”

“You heard me!” Maes cried enthusiastically, “You take your shirt off, we snap a picture, everyone buys a copy of the calendar, and more people can afford an education!”

“No.” Roy said. “I am not doing that.” Madame Christmas had taught him better, he wasn’t going to whore himself out like that for someone else’s gain.

“Aww, Come on Roy!” Maes said, “Think of all those poor kids who can’t afford to study, and had all their hopes and dreams set on earning one of these scholarships.”

“NO!” What? Is the man insane? He was only a few months away from promotion, and he really couldn’t afford to do something that would displease the brass. 

“Calm down Roy, Grumman approves, so it won’t end your career.” He waggled his eyebrows, “Actually I think it will only improve your standing.”

Roy stepped closer to his desk and faced Maes, “No.” He said. “No, and that’s final.”

Maes looked at him in disappointment and turned to fling the office doors open.

“Hey, come in here everyone, Roy is being unreasonable.” he called out.

Roy watched in defeat as his men scramble out of their desks, abandoning the work that Hawkeye had delegated. Unfortunately he couldn’t even call on her to save him because she looked just as intrigued by the commotion as everyone else did.

“Where’s Fullmetal?” Maes asked.

“He’ll be back soon,” Breda said, “He had to get a book or something.”

“Well, I’ll tell him all about it when he gets back.” Maes replied, jumping back into Roy’s chair. “Okay, so I was just telling Colonel Selfish McSelfish pants over there to share his god given gifts to help fund poor students go to university, and he keeps saying he refuses to help.”

“What?” Fuery said, “I thought you supported higher education sir.”

Roy rolled his eyes, and sat on the edge of his desk, his back to the ‘friend’ who was occupying his seat. “Hughes has decided to raise funds by selling pornographic images of soldiers to the masses.”

“Don’t say it like that!” Maes exclaimed as the room broke out into chaos, “Listen! Guys! It will be artistic! Very tasteful!”

Roy watched as Maes tried to regain everyone’s attention, but Havoc and Breda were laughing, Falman and Fuery looked too shocked to say anything, and Hawkeye looked resigned. He can’t see Maes behind him, but he knows that his arms are flailing in an attempt to shake off the accusation.

“I’m serious guys! I need 365 soldiers to photograph, it’s for a good cause!”

Breda snorted, and Havoc lost the ability to breathe.

“You should do it.” Hawkeye said.

The room is suddenly silent.

“What!?” Roy said, “ You can’t be serious!”

“I am perfectly serious.” Hawkeye said with a straight face. “It’s for a good cause.”

It is very possible that he is dreaming. Maybe this whole morning had been an elaborate dream, and at any moment he is going to wake up in a world with a sensible Riza Hawkeye.

“Well,” Maes began, “I was thinking I could get people to sign up by putting themselves into one of these two categories, first we have a ‘G rated’ category where the person will be photographed fully dressed, and a ‘M rated’ category with partial nudity.” Maes winced under the stares of everyone in the room. “People can bring props or their pets, so that every picture is different and tells a story.”

“So why must I be in the second category?” Roy asked.

Maes threw a pencil in his direction, and only years of practice let him dodge out of its way. “Stop fishing for compliments.”

“I wasn't,” Roy said.

“Just do it chief.” Havoc said with a hint of a laugh in his voice. “It’ll be good for morale.”

“Yeah,” Breda agreed. “Think of how many more will sell if we put you on the front cover.” Havoc snorted loudly, and Breda gave up on maintaining a straight face. The traitors.

He slammed his palms against his face. How was this his life? He had chosen these people, had trusted them with his life, and this is how they repay him? The sound of uneven footsteps approached.

“Oh, there you are Ed!” Hughes said.

"What did I miss?" Ed asked, his eyes as brilliant as always. "You guys look like someone lost a bet."

Roy doesn’t have to look to know that Maes was staring Ed down, maybe he should tell Ed to run.

“How old are you now Ed?” Maes asked.

“Uhh--19.” Ed said hesitantly as his eyes met Roy’s. Roy is shaking his head minutely to try and convey the message of ‘run while you still can’ but Ed doesn’t seem to decode the message fast enough.

“Perfect!” Maes exclaimed. “You can do one too!”

“Do what?” Ed asked, still looking at him with those golden eyes.

“Oh, Ed. You really do not want to know.” Mustang and Falman said in unison.


	3. Chapter 3

The following weeks were interesting. Everytime Roy entered the cafeteria, he could hear at least one person commenting on who should and shouldn’t be included in the calendar. There were murmurs in the hallways, and crude remarks in the changing rooms. Everyone had heard about Maes’ plan, and everyone wanted to be involved. The list of preorders was already long enough to cover for all the production expenses, and that was only the list of Central soldiers who wanted to get their hands on the first batch. Three bookstores in town had already put in requests that had made Maes call him, and attempt to destroy his ear drums with his enthusiasm.

Whomever had approved this project was currently on the top of Roy’s hit list.

For some ungodly reason, Ed had agreed to do an ‘M’ rated picture, and Hughes had begun to tell everyone that  _ “The Flame Alchemist and even the Fullmetal Alchemist were joining in this patriotic effort.”  _ The news had travelled to every command in Amestris, and Maes had found a photographer and packed his bags. East City had been the first target, and with Maes in North city, only Central remained. Maybe if he was really lucky, a sudden snowstorm would permanently strand Maes in the north, and he’d never have to deal with this nonsense ever again.

Unfortunately, the weather in the North was unseasonably warm, and Maes was back before Roy could book a permanent vacation to Creta.

“Ready? I’ve got 290 pictures, I only need 75 more.” Maes sounded way too happy for Roy’s liking.

“75? I thought we agreed to only have one picture of me.” He mutters, as he slaps a binder shut.

Maes rolls his eyes, “Stop procrastinating and come on! James is ready for you.”

“Fine,” He replied standing, “I’m ready.”

“Hurry, I only have 3 more days to shoot pictures before the printers come get the images.”

Roy held the door open before following Hughes down the hallway. “I am surprised you managed to get Hawkeye involved.”

Maes shrugged, “She wanted a picture of her and her favourite guns,” He says, “I think she wanted a copy for her photo album.”

“And it had nothing to do with First Lieutenant Catalina agreeing to do a photo shoot?”

“I  _ may  _ have said that she could help me while we took the pictures,” Maes grinned. “Unlike you, Hawkeye isn’t selfish, and is perfectly happy to let everyone see how attractive the First Lieutenant actually is.”

Roy sighed. There was no winning this argument. “Who else have you recruited here?” He asked.

“Sheska got photographed sitting on a pile of books, and Captain Ross wanted a picture with her cat.” Maes grimaced, “Obviously Alex is absolutely thrilled to participate, and I think he wants to pose nude surrounded by roses.”

“Are you doing any fully nude shots?” Roy asked.

“No, I would like to, but then we couldn’t sell them in civilian shops, and that would affect our profits. I just hope Alex brings enough roses to--uh--cover himself.”

“Maybe you should convince him to be photographed while emerging from a mountain of roses, that way you could make sure the roses go up to his waist.” Roy said.

“I suspect he’s going to bring enough roses to flood the entire command centre.” Maes said, “I’ll see if I can take a few home to Gracia.”

The room that had been converted into a make-shift photography studio was reasonably large, with an entire wall set up with lights and reflectors. In one corner, a massive box overflowed with props beside a row of benches where Havoc and Ed sat.

“Hey Chief!” Havoc waved. “You didn’t chicken out!”

Roy gave him his most unimpressed glare which only made Ed laugh and shove Havoc. He wanted to say something about ‘insubordination’ but the young man, who must have been James, walked over from the corner in which he was hiding, and extended a hand.

“Colonel Mustang, I am very glad you agreed to participate.” James said, “Initially we were only getting men to participate, but once Brigadier General Hughes began to tell everyone you were going to be involved, we got a lot more female officers to come forward.”

Ed and Havoc made a gurgling sound, which Hughed ignored. “Roy, this is James Kebede, who has been an amazing photographer for this project.”

James’ handshake was firm, and Roy tuned out Hughes’ comments about how many officers had given their phone numbers just in case the Flame Alchemist liked what he saw in the calendar. Perhaps his reputation had gotten a little out of hand.

“Oi! Mustang!” Ed said, “stop wasting time, some of us have actual work to do.”

“Does sampling every kebab stand on your way to the library count as ‘real work’? Because I am under the impression that much of your work day is taken up by funding Central’s street vendor’s livelihoods.” Roy said, thinking of the tell-tale spots of kebab grease that always seemed to appear on Ed’s clothing every time he went to ‘go find a book’.

Ed glared, “Maybe I’m collecting the kebab sticks until I have enough to make a Punji stick pit for you to fall into next time you waste military time by flirting on the phone.”

“If it is a pit, then technically it would be called a trou de loup, and I believe those are illegal.” Roy said, walking over to his subordinates. “Fuhrer Grumman considers them inhumane.”

Ed shrugged, “I don’t care, just let the guy do his job so that I can go back to my crap, illegal or not.”

Behind him, Roy could hear Maes and James adjusting the lights. Havoc stood up and gestured to the bench.

“I’m next, so don’t let Ed kill you while you guys wait.” Havoc said, stretching and removing the top half of his uniform when James finally beckoned him over. He watched as Havoc posed in front of the camera wearing only his military trousers, boots, and a cigarette hanging from his lips. It had been three years since the Promised Day, and he had regained all of his physical fitness, which he did not hesitate to display while James set about adjusting the camera's focus.

Ed kept on a running commentary as they watched the scene in front of them. James took the photos and directed Havoc’s posture while Hughes made sure to properly handle the prints and file everything correctly. They had clearly worked out a very efficient system, and Havoc was buttoning up his shirt after only a few minutes.

“Roy! It's your turn!” Maes called out, far too cheerily. 

“Fine. Just get it over with.” He sighed as he sauntered over, removing the jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. The Amestrian uniform wasn’t exactly a cut that best suited his figure, but once the jacket and calvary skirt were out of the way, the trousers were on display and they did fit him rather well. He grabbed a chair and placed it directly in the centre of the set. The shirt he had chosen to wear was one that had been tailor made for him as a birthday gift from Madame Christmas, it was made of a silk and cotton blend that stretched perfectly across his shoulders, and tapered to fit around his waist in a way only a custom made shirt could. He had gelled his hair back this morning for this photo shoot, and a quick glance in the mirror reassured him that it was all still perfectly in place. The mirror also showed him something he wasn’t exactly expecting to see; Edward Elric staring at him with pupils blown wide, and desire written across his face.

That was...interesting. There were two options here, he could pretend he hadn’t noticed and proceed with a quick and easy photoshoot, or he could drag this session out and see how Edward would react. A better man would have mercy; Roy was not a better man. He turned away from the mirror flicking shirt buttons open until his neck was perfectly framed. Maes was fiddling with one of the lights, so he took his time settling into the chair. He sat with his legs spread wide open, letting the fabric of the trousers pull tight across his groin. Rolling up his sleeves to just below his elbows, he angled his torso towards the camera placing one gloved hand on his thigh, and the other bent so that he could rest his chin on a loose fist. This position accentuated his physique, and reeked of confidence. Despite the bullying he had received as a child for growing up in a brothel, it had taught him alot about body language. He knew how to sprawl artistically on a bar stool, and how to make anyone blush with just the tenor of his voice, but most importantly he knew exactly how to project undeniable sensuality with his eyes. Looking up at the camera underneath hooded brows, with the faintest smirk, Roy focused on looking straight into the lens, thinking nothing but how much he wanted to seduce whoever looked at his page in the calendar. 

Maes coughed, “Fucking hell Roy! You’re gonna melt the camera.”

Roy cocked his head slightly, “You’re welcome.”

Maes let out an exasperated sigh just as James said “Okay, on a count of three..”

The flash was blinding, but Roy didn’t flinch. He might not be particularly interested in this project, but there was a reddish tinge to James’ dark cheeks that hadn’t been there before, and 

There was something undeniably gratifying in knowing that every eye in the room was on him. Beauty is fleeting, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

Hughes insisted on a few different poses until he finally said, “Okay, Roy one more pose. Unbutton your shirt and stand against the wall like this.” He raised his hand over his head, and crossed his feet at the ankles. Roy nodded and proceeded to untuck the shirt and open it completely. If he stood with his left side to the wall then the scar on his abdomen would be mostly obscured by the draping of the fabric. He raised one arm slightly above his head and he held his hand in a loose fist, and leaning on his elbow. His other hand hooked casually into his pocket, and his face angled to look directly at the camera. 

Hughes twisted his face in thought for a minute before adding, “Use your free hand to hold a flame.”

“I am so glad that my alchemical genius is being put to use.” Roy grumbled, positioning his hand in preparation for the shot.

James handed one of the portable lights to Hughes, who he directed to stand just off to Roy’s side.

“Major Elric could you come here?” James said as he adjusted the camera. Roy glanced over to the bench where Ed seemed to be off in another realm.

“Major Elric?” James repeated, and Roy watched Ed jump to his feet in surprise.

“Yeah?” Ed asked.

“Could you please adjust Colonel Mustang’s shirt?” James said.

Maes made a sound of agreement as he held the heavy light and added “It’s hanging too loosely, maybe try folding it a bit so that we can see those abs he works so hard for.”

Ed nodded and spun to look at Roy, only to lose his footing and stumble before regaining his balance. There was a flush in his cheeks that came ever clearer into his vision as Ed approached him. Roy let his gaze fall heavily on Ed, thrilling at the reaction he garnered from the younger man. Ed visibly flinched, but nevertheless his hands extended to readjust the shirt, careful fingers pulling the fabric until Maes and James called out their approval. 

“Thank you, Edward.” Roy murmured, letting his voice fall right down to that lowest register. Ed’s reaction was beautiful. Golden eyes met his, and pupils dilated, obscuring the metallic glint. He nearly jumped back, but managed to keep his cool long enough to attempt a casual retreat.

A snap of his fingers brought a bright orb of fire to his free hand, and giving a nod to James, he set a seductive smirk on his face and waited.

“On the count of three Roy,” James said, and the camera flashed.

Havoc grumbled something about ‘photogenic assholes’, and Hughes grabbed the prints from the slightly flustered James, who did his best to avoid meeting Roy’s eyes.

“Perfect! It’s your turn now Ed.” Maes said, having dropped the light, and now bent over a binder scribbling madly.

Roy buttoned up his shirt as he sat down next to Havoc, who watched the proceedings with interest.

“How the hell are you still single?” Havoc muttered.

“Commitment issues.” Roy said.

Havoc rolled his eyes.

Across the room Ed hauled a ladder over from the pile of equipment 

“Okay Ed, what are you wanting to do for your picture?” Maes asked.

“Can you take an overhead shot?” Ed said, pointing at the ladder.

James shrugged, “No problem.”

Ed turned to look back at him, “Could you transmute those barbells into a giant transmutation circle for steel?” Ed asked, “I was thinking I could lie down in the middle of it and have a picture taken from above.”

“That is an interesting idea.” Roy said, walking over to the barbells and clapping his hands to twist the metal into a giant hollow loop with a few lines and alchemical symbols. He took a step back and admired his work. “Help me move it Jean.” He said, lifting one end and letting Havoc take the other end.

“I think I’ll need to be six feet up to get that all into frame.” James said, tapping his finger against his chin.

“That ladder should be just tall enough.” Roy said, and Maes nodded in agreement “If it is not, then I can always transmute it to be taller.”

It doesn’t take long, but finally Maes directed Ed to position himself. Ed looked at the metal transmutation circle for a minute, before removing his military jacket, and tugging his shirt free of its tucked in position. With care, he settled into the middle of the circle, and lay down looking straight up at the camera. It is difficult to see just what Ed is doing from this angle, so Roy stood on the first step and looked down. Edward had pulled up one leg of his trousers just high enough to expose a glint of automail, and his shirt was lifted just enough to barely brush the waist of his trousers. Both hands were tucked behind his head, and one leg was bent and casually angled slightly outward inorder to make the standard issued trousers look tighter.

James fiddled with the focus, and Maes said “Roy, fix his hair, it's at a weird angle.” 

It took him a second to respond, but he found himself on his knees by Edward’s head, twisting the loose ponytail hair into a smooth rope, and snaking it off at an angle until James made a noise of approval.

“That’s perfect! Okay, Major Elric, on the count of three. One. Two. Three!” James pressed a button, and the steely stare and wide grin were captured on film.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look. I love tropey garbage and this is exactly that. I had to stop petting my dog to post this. She is not impressed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole fic was written because I wanted to spend time looking at sexy roy fanart, okay? don't expect much, this garbage truck runs on thirst (and this pandemic has made the thirst so much worse.)

“I don’t even know why I hang out with you guys.” Ed groaned, as he followed Roy and Havoc down the empty alleyway.

“You do it because you love us.” Havoc half whispered.

“I’m not even on the clock right now.” Ed said, just as Roy fell to a crouch pulling him down beside himself.

“That is your own fault. You’re the one who left us for Investigations.” Roy said, hand still on Ed’s shoulder and eyes scanning the darkness. A gunshot sounded in the distance, and the sound of running footsteps came towards them.

“It’s Grumman’s fault and you know it.” Ed said, before jumping to his feet and catching the running figures off guard. Before Roy or Havoc could react, Ed had two men lying prone at his feet. “I agreed only because of the improved health plan, because lemme tell you, Winry isn’t cheap.”

Roy stared, and Havoc said, “Fuck, you’re awesome.”

Ed grinned and gestured to his victims. “All yours.”

* * *

“Have all the fries you want.” Breda said, shoving a plate towards Ed, “Mustang’s paying.”

Ed threw Roy a smirk that he had definitely picked up from him, and proceeded to inhale his food as per the usual. Roy watched him with barely disguised fascination. Edward was, had always been, remarkable. He fought just as well without alchemy, as he had with it, and despite no longer being on his payroll, Ed continued to accompany them on missions. He ate with them, drank with them, and even remembered their birthdays (something a younger Ed never seemed to be able to do). 

The evening progressed, and Falman made his excuses. Hawkeye was enjoying Fuery’s rant about railroad construction, while Havoc and Breda debated the pros and cons of wool socks. Ed had given up mediating the debate and was now sitting back in the booth, smiling as he watched Havoc defend his position. Roy was caught off guard with the realization that Ed had the faint scar of a piercing in his ear, and almost didn’t notice Ed’s tipsy attempt to slip past him out of the booth. Ed tripped and landed for one tantalizing second in Roy’s lap, before he scrambled up, and forced his way past him. Roy immediately stood up and held out a steadying hand that wasn’t very steady, and followed Ed to the bar where they both requested glasses of water.

“Thank you for joining us.” Roy said, leaning against the bar while Ed chugged the glass.

“Nah, thanks for letting me come.” Ed smiled, wiping a drop of water off of the corner of his lip with a swipe of his hand. “I get bored if all I do is research, and as much as I like stealing half of Fuery’s desk for my own crap, I need exercise too.”

“You are always welcome.” Roy said, clasping a hand to Ed’s shoulder. “It wouldn’t be the same without you there, even if you report to Hughes.”

They looked at each other, and Roy nearly forgot how to breathe. A sudden vision of Edward, golden and strong, pressing him down into the mattress flooded Roy’s mind and he couldn’t move. Ed looked away long after the staring had become awkward, and Roy withdrew his hand with extreme hesitation before looking back at their table.

“Should we go back before Havoc stabs Breda with that straw?” Roy asked.

Ed snorted, “Nah, I kinda wanna see how their little duel plays out.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in 1 day. Enjoy!

There was a crack in the plaster near the window that Roy decided was much more interesting than the paperwork on his desk. He leaned further back in his chair and continued to stare at it as his mind wandered back to his problem. Edward would be turning 20 soon, but that still made him 14 years his junior, not quite half his age, but certainly young enough to be his kid if his first dalliance had resulted in an unfortunate pregnancy. Last year he had spent a weekend with a lovely college student who had been a decade younger than himself, but he hadn’t thought much of that. She had been a bit immature for her age, but she had been a very fun companion and he had enjoyed their time together. Edward was far from immature, and his time away in Resembool and Creta seemed to have calmed his temper so much that sometimes Roy wondered if Fullmetal had been kicked in the head by one of those sheep that Eastern farmers seemed to love breeding. Fullmetal hadn’t been a child for a decade, but that didn’t change the fact that he was still a young man who Roy had watched grow several inches in height. Well, actually, Fullmetal hadn’t grown in any direction until he had returned from a year in Creta, and had come back a full head taller. He was simultaneously unrecognizable, and familiar with his golden colouring, and uncharacteristic brown coat. 

The boy in the hospital, who cursed as he tried to use his newly regained arm, looked vastly different from the young man who had posed so beautifully for the camera. Perhaps, if Edward was interested, he could make an exception to his ‘no dating co-workers’ rule; especially since Edward was part of the investigations branch and no longer under his direct command, even if he seemed to prefer doing his research on Fuery’s desk. 

There was always the possibility that Maes would kill him if he touched Ed, but that depended on whether or not he ever found out.

His eyes refocused, as a spider crawled over the crack and into a corner, he would proposition Ed and he would be quite clear that it would be nothing more than a one night stand. If Ed was interested then they would have a pleasant time, and if Ed refused, then Roy would find someone else to sooth his wounded ego. Simple.

With practiced grace he rose from his chair and made his way to the outer office. He leaned against the door frame with his head cocked and an amused smile crossed his lips as he saw the precarious stack of items being piled onto Havoc’s sleeping head. Breda, Fuery and Ed surrounded Havoc’s desk as they silently laughed as each new item made it into the blond hair without rousing the snoring man. Ed seemed to be on the hunt for more items to stack when his gaze landed on Roy and he grinned. They seemed to have run out of erasers and Ed grabbed a handful of paper clips that he and Breda placed on top of the stack of office supplies that was gently rising and falling with every exhaled snore. A snore turned into a snort, and the paperclip Ed was dangling slipped out of his grasp and onto Havoc’s face. The man jerked up in panic, and jumped at the sound of materials hitting the ground.

“What the-!?” Havoc cursed, but cut himself off as all three men around him burst into laughter.

“You shoulda seen your face!” Ed gasped, as he tried to stop laughing, “You looked like you’d run into a bear!”

Breda snorted out something unintelligible between gasps, and Fuery fell to his knees with tears streaming down his face.

“You’re all a bunch of---” Havoc choked on his words as he realized that Roy had been watching the exchange. “Sir.” 

The three other men spun around, and all visibly relaxed when they realized it wasn’t Hawkeye.

“Dear me, next time let me know when Havoc falls asleep, I happen to have an entire drawer full of useless office supplies to pile onto his head.”

Edward grinned, and jumped to his feet. “I hope you have some erasers, cause those are the most fun to stack.”

“I might have a few I could spare if you don’t mind stepping into my office for a minute, Major.”

“You’re not my C.O.” Edward grumbled, but he followed Roy and shut the door behind him.

Roy leaned back on his desk, hands loosely gripping its edge as he gave Edward a slow once over. The man really was stunning.

“What’d you want?” Ed asked, fingers worrying the hem of his jacket, as he flushed under his gaze.

“I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me?” He asked, “If 7pm on Saturday works for you.”

Edward’s face twisted with so many emotions, that Roy only had time to register fear, and desire, before Ed went still, and his face blanked.

“Why?” Ed asked, his tone flat.

“Because you are an attractive young man, and I think we would have a good time together.” Roy answered honestly.

“And gettin into my pants isn’t gonna make work awkward?” Ed said, voice flat, but expression conflicted.

Roy raised an eyebrow. “I never said anything about--”

“Fuck you.” Edward interrupted, voice filled with anger. “I’m not an idiot, Mustang. Just because I think you’re hot, doesn’t mean I’m gonna roll over and beg for your dick.”

The indignation in Ed’s voice made him pause, but before he could speak, Ed continued. “Look. I know not all the women you ‘date’ are from the intelligence network, okay? I’ve seen how quickly you go through them.” Edward’s voice nearly cracked, “I trust like 10 people, Mustang, and I’m not about to ruin one of those relationships cause I’m horny.” 

“That’s not--” Roy began, but Ed cut him off with a wave of his hand. “I’ve thought about it, and I know I am not the ‘casual’ type.” Ed said, glaring daggers. “ You have known me long enough to know that I am never ‘casual’ about anything, fuck I can’t even bring myself to leave this office and work in my own space, and I am not about to start changing that for your arrogant ass.”

Ed didn’t even pause to let Roy respond before spinning around and slamming the door behind himself.

Roy stared after him. The first flush of anger quickly subsided into a heavy feeling of guilt. Ed was right. He knew just how intense the boy had been, and Ed hadn’t changed in that regard. Edward Elric was loyal to the core and loved with the intensity of a burning furnace, he was not the type to give himself away to his emotions without any strings attached, and it wasn’t like he had ever made a secret out of how much he enjoyed short flings. The faintest pinpricks of a headache forced him to close his eyes. Ed had called him arrogant. Fair enough, he must be quite arrogant to have assumed that Edward would put aside his core personality traits in exchange for a few nights with him. A part of his mind protested that ‘maybe if the date went well they could build something out of it’ but that was a lie. He had never dated with the intention of turning it into something serious and he wasn’t about to start now.

  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is fic is now dedicated to my dear uncle Gregory who sent me an random email bemoaning the state of society, and the decadence of youth. Apparently I need to prepare my self to date in a catholic way so that I can settle down and have loads of babies and missionary position sex for the rest of my life...He clearly doesn't know me at all. (I'm going to write some filthy bdsm p0rn and dedicate it to him)

The heat of the summer turned into the damp air of autumn, and Roy added 3 more names to his little black book. Jessica was 30 and was beginning to look for someone to father her children. Jean-Paul was 27 and grieving the loss of his fiance who had died a month before their wedding day the previous year. Rashid was 32 and married, a fact that Roy didn’t realize until the other man was redressing himself and a bright band, the colour of Ed’s hair, rolled out of his pocket and under the hotel bed. Roy had pretended not to notice it, and while Rashid fetched it, he excused himself to the washroom where the waves of nausea left him pale and withdrawn. Rashid had knocked and asked for his number, but Roy made up some excuse, and held his breath until the hotel door clicked shut.

The Madame had not been very sympathetic, and had cut him off after 3 drinks until he explained what had happened. Her expression went tight, and Vanessa had stepped in and saved him from Madame’s lamentations on how all her kids seemed to have the same phobia of relationships. Lexi had stopped by his house one month later, and informed him that an anonymous photographer had happened to catch a Mr. Rashid Farsi on dates with 3 different people, and the same photographer had sent a kindly worded message to Mrs. Jane Farsi with enough evidence to guarantee a favourable divorce settlement. The whole ordeal left him with a sour taste in his mouth, and he couldn’t quite shake off the guilt. Riza had expressed concern that being a home-wreaker could damage his chances for promotion, but nothing came of it.

Mirim was a beautiful blonde, who had dropped her purse while reaching for a bag of apples, and Roy had swooped in to pick it up. She was lovely, but his eyes had caught on a photo of a young man attached to her keychain, and he found himself unable to ask for her number despite her obvious interest. It may have been her brother, or a close friend, but the absence of a ring meant nothing to Roy and he felt the bile burn at the back of his throat.

It had been nearly 2 decades, but the memories of his 14 year old self being asked by his childhood best friend to keep a make-out session with Annette a secret from his girlfriend Diane still made him grimace with the echos of anxiety. Will had never been a particularly nice person, but he hadn’t teased Roy about his aunt so they had become close friends despite the Madame’s disapproval. The whole ordeal with Diane had ended, as all teenage break ups do, with tears and gossip, but when Diane came over later that evening to talk to Lexi, Roy overheard everything, and the shame at being a bystander to such a betrayal of trust had left him reeling. Will had tried to gain Roy’s sympathy for having lost both girls, and never understood why he hadn’t sided with him. 

“Do you want the girls to do a background check on all your dates now?” The Madame said, swirling the water in her glass.

“No.” Roy shook his head. “I just--I don’t know.” 

“The way I see it,” The Madame began, “You classify commitment as something only friends and family can have. You trust Riza with your life, but you never dated her.” She looked at him, “You trust Maes, but you’ve never slept with him.”

Roy grimaced, “Not for a lack of trying.”

“Maes is the closest you have come to a relationship Roy-boy. Pity he is too heterosexual for your charms.”

“Can we not talk about that?” Roy asked, burying his face in his hands.

“Fine. Let’s talk about how you see sex as something disposable.”

Roy was about to protest, but his mother’s stare made him close his mouth. “You grew up watching sex being used as a transaction between near-strangers. Somehow all you kids managed to get equate sex and short-term, and relationships with chasity.” Roy watched her sigh up at the ceiling. “Your mother was a whore, Roy, but even she was a die-hard romantic. We worked together for 5 years before your father came along, and her imagination would run off with her everytime a decent man would look her way.” Her gaze focused on him, “You are exactly like her, except that you have managed to bury it under a few tons of logic, guilt, and denial.”

“I--” Roy said.

Madame Christmas narrowed her eyes, and he felt the words die on his tongue. “Don’t start lying to me child.” She wagged a finger, “I know the poetry you read, the romance books you hid under your bed, and I remember the name of every single person you were convinced was your future spouse because you made eye contact--we both know that it is a very long list--and I know that Ishval changed that.” Her glass made a heavy sound as she placed it on the table. “The Roy of Ishval is dead. The Roy of Amestris does his penance every day in his dreams and at work, why must he also do penance during those few hours he has to himself? There are people in your life whom you trust, love, and who would gladly share your bed, why deny yourself that one respite?”

Roy stares at her, his throat dry, and his eyes wet. His hands ache where Bradley’s swords had pinned him to the ground, and his vision swims as memories of the past flood his guilty conscience. She’s wrong. She must be wrong. He doesn’t deserve anything after what he did to all those people! The occasional dalliance with an attractive partner is more respite than he deserves, and his days at the office are nothing in comparison to the damage he caused, even as Fuhrer he won’t be able to balance out that debt.

As if reading his mind, Madame Christmas said, “Fuhrer Mustang, you have rebuilt Ishval, restored parliament, and paved the way for a peaceful and secure future, do you feel like you have achieved equivalent exchange for your war crimes?”

No.

Never.

Nothing will ever be equivalent.

A tear escaped him, and he looked away.

“It will never be equivalent.” Chris continues, her voice gentler. “Life is never equivalent, and you have to stop looking at it that way. Hattie never received equivalence for dying of consumption, Irene never did anything to deserve what her uncle did to her, and Jacob never stood a chance with Ida as a mother. Equivalence is for alchemy, and only alchemy, life doesn’t play to alchemy’s rules. You do what you can, but in the end, the holy man ends up in the same ground as the prostitute.”

Somewhere, behind all of the panic, self-hatred, and regret, Roy can hear the voice of that monster in the white void laughing maniacally. He saw truth, he saw it all, and forgot most of it, but everything Chris has said rings true. There is no tingling at the base of his spine denying her words as falsehoods, like there is when something is said that contradicts his knowledge of truth, and there is no conflicting knowledge that rejects her perspective. Equivalency is something that does not translate well into daily life and his own obsession with it is useless.

“Come-on.” Chris patted his arm, “You can sleep in the spare room tonight.”

He let himself be guided away--like a child-- from the dinner table and to a tacky overly ornate room. He has no idea how long Chris stands at the window blowing smoke into the night air, but when he finally falls asleep he can still feel her presence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy considers his life choices.

Edward had never been one to run away from his problems, so it never surprised Roy to see that he didn’t change his habits after that poorly thought out proposition. Ed still came in to work in a corner of the office he was no longer part of, and he still joined them for pub nights and the occasional office potluck. This hadn’t been a problem until the morning when Roy woke up in his mother’s spare room, and made his way towards the piles of paperwork masquerading as a career. Ed was sat in his usual spot, face buried in a book with a notepad on his lap. Hawkeye looked like she wanted to say something about his tardiness, but she held her tongue.

Roy forced himself to turn his back and enter his own office without saying more than a standard greeting. Riza would shoot him if she knew that he was late because he had spent nearly an hour staring at his own reflection in Madame’s hideous gold framed mirror, mapping every wrinkle and gray hair that he could see. Her words still rang in his ears, and he had to admit that he was getting to the age where playing Casanova was verging on ‘sad’ rather than ‘sexy’. He still had another decade before it would really become noticeable, but that only gave him a decade to learn how to build a relationship that wasn’t centered around sex. 

The Madame was right, as she always was, he was a romantic and nothing could change that. Sex was satisfying, but it had been years since he’d had the kind of relationship with anyone that allowed cuddling. Hell, he missed cuddling and lounging around wrapped in another person’s embrace. The closest he got to it these days was the aftercare portion of his most interesting dates, where either he or his date spent time coming down from the endorphin high of subspace. Novelty and discovery were all well and good, but he had realized just how much he longed for something worn and comfortable.

“Sir?” Hawkeye’s voice said from the doorway.

“Come in.” Roy sighed, preparing himself for another day. At least he had dinner with the Hughes’ to look forward to.

* * *

Maes collapsed back heavily into the armchair that Elicia had been using as a vacation destination for her many dolls. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” he said, “I love Elicia more than I have loved anyone else in my life, but I might love her a tiny-weebit less if I ever step on one of her little building blocks again.” Maes gestures to the injured foot, “for such little things, they sure hurt to step on.” He shot upright, “Speaking of ‘little things’ I just got the first sample batch of calendars back, wanna see?” 

This got Roy’s attention, and he nodded and watched as Hughes limped to the closet and pulled out a small box. Upstairs, Roy could hear Gracia coaxing Elicia to brush her teeth, and he smiled at the pleasant domesticity that he himself lacked.

“I hope that you weren’t referring to Edward. He’s liable to hear you from across town and come wake up the whole neighborhood with his cursing.” Roy said, hiding a smile in his tea.

“Ed hasn’t been ‘little’ in a very long time, and I think you of all people know that.” Hughes said, dropping the calendar onto his lap, the page open to the 20th of May the following year.

‘What do you mean by that?’ dies on Roy’s lips as his abused eyes focus on the image decorating the date.

“Oh.” 

“Oh, indeed.” Maes agreed.

Roy tried to say something else, but the image of Edward splayed out on the array like a young god in his prime is much more than Roy’s mind can handle at 8pm on a Thursday night. Golden eyes stared back at him and the faint smile dared him to take a step closer. The taut muscles on display beg to be touched, and the obscene pull of the trousers promise a pleasant surprise.

He tore his eyes away to look at Maes in desperation for a grounding point. “He--” He tried, “He looks good.”

“He does, doesn’t he?” Maes said, the look in his eyes assessing. “I’ve known him nearly as long as you have, and yet both Gracia and I see him as our own son, while you seem to have a completely different look in your eye when you say he looks good.”

“Don’t” Roy tried, hands flexing, “Please.”

“Roy.” Maes ran a hand through his hair. “That kid has been gone on you for longer than I like to think about. I know you Roy, and I know that the both of you get along fantastically whenever you think no one else is around to get electrocuted by the sexual tension.” Maes sighed, “Look. I know you don’t think you deserve--”

“He turned me down, Maes.” Roy interrupted.

Maes stared at him. Roy wants the building to cave in on his head in such a way that only he is killed, and everyone else in the complex gets away without a scratch.

“He turned what down?” Maes asked.

“Me. He turned me down.” 

“Hmm.” Maes said, “What were you offering?”

Roy could pretend to not know what his friend means, he could feign confusion and make an escape for the door, but the words escape his lips. “A date.”

“You offered him food and a fuck?” Maes said, voice flat.

Roy’s eyes flash to the stairs, but clearly Elicia is too busy telling her mother a story to hear them. “Not in quite so many words.”

“When was this?”

“The week of the photoshoot.”

Maes laughed in a way that was neither comforting nor sane. “You asked Ed, one of the most loyal and single minded people out there, to what? Get off and get out?” Roy felt his face flush. “Ed doesn’t do anything without pouring his heart and soul into it, and you thought that he’d be up for a one-night-stand with one of the very few people he considers family?” Maes snorted, “You are an idiot, Roy. Ed considers you and your team to be among the dozen or so people he trusts wholeheartedly, and you thought he’d risk one of those few connections for sex?”

“I know.” Roy said, eyes on the carpet. “He told me so himself.”

“He’s a smart one.” Maes nodded, “I don’t know if I’d have had the same level headedness at his age.”

“I was wrong to ask that of him, but it has come to my attention that perhaps it is time to try for something more permanent.”

Maes opened his mouth, but closed it before he said, “What do you mean?”

Roy groaned and threw his head back. Talking about this to the ceiling was much easier than making eye contact. “Chris helpfully pointed out the fact that my self-imposed delusion of deserving nothing but emotionless sex won’t bring back all the people I killed. What she didn’t say, but surely wanted to, was that I have a lot of work ahead of me, and without someone to dump my romantic tendencies upon I will probably crack under the pressure and end up in an asylum.”

“You can’t be a Fuhrer if you are in an asylum.” Maes nodded, a glint of humour in his eyes. “Did I ever tell you how much I love your mother?”

“I’ll be sure to pass on the message.” Roy said, eyes never leaving the ceiling.

“What does this mean for you and Ed?” Maes asked.

“I think it means I have to try and convince him that my playboy days are over.”

“It’ll be worth it.” Maes said.

Roy turned his head just enough to glance at the image on the calendar out of the corner of his eyes. “It will be.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Hopefully 2021 not be cursed.

Roy had intended to talk to Edward first thing in the morning, so naturally, he dithered for a month until he couldn’t avoid Maes’ glares anymore. The final straw came when Maes’ stormed his office with box, upon box of calendars, and insisted that they be stored in there for safe keeping. When Hawkeye scowled and demanded why her office space was being commandeered, Maes replied with a grin and said that it was punishment for a certain professional procrastinator. At first, the punishment seemed like nothing more than an inconvenience, but within minutes of Hughes’ departure Roy realized the hell that had befallen him.

“Fuck, Me.” Havoc gasped, as he peeked into the one box that Maes had left open for curious eyes. “Breda!”

Breda came running over, and Roy watched in dismay as both men ogled the front page of the calendar. The words ‘Men and Women of the Military’ with one of Roy’s images beside that of an ample cleavage belonging to one Lieutenant Mara Chesterton. Havoc had already fallen into a daze, and nothing short of a death threat got the cursed thing out of Breda’s hands, all of which distracted Roy long enough to miss Edward slipping another copy out of the box, and handing out a few more to the other traitors in his squad.

The silence that filled the office the moment Breda relinquished the slightly crumpled calendar made Roy’s shoulders twitch, and he turned to see everyone else standing quietly staring at the pictures as they flipped through the days of the year. Falman was the only one to notice Roy’s disapproval, but did not return the stolen copy to the box, but instead placed it on his desk. Hawkeye seemed to have found the picture she was looking for, as her eyes had gone soft in that way that never happened in the office, and even Fuery was quietly scanning the pages. With an intensity usually reserved for radios. Roy turned to look at Ed who had frozen, mid-page-flip, on a page only a few months in. He groaned inwardly knowing that Maes had placed him on the 14th of February, and Ed was clearly on that page. There was a shine to his eyes, and a flush high on his cheeks that Roy hadn’t seen since that day at the pub. Havoc made a loud sound as he collapsed into his chair, and Ed looked up, half panicked, and slammed the calendar closed before looking around and accidentally meeting Roy’s eyes. The flush spread down his neck, and Roy froze thinking for a moment about just how stunning that shade of red looked on Ed.

Perhaps he had procrastinated long enough.

“Fullmetal, can I see you in my office?” He asked, only Breda looked up at him, and only just long enough to decide that his attention was divided enough to be able to sneak another calendar. 

Edward stilled for a moment, but jumped to his feet, dropping his calendar into Breda’s lap, and following Roy into his office.

* * *

They stood staring at each other for a few long seconds before Roy managed to gesture towards the couches, and they both sat down a healthy distance apart.

“I believe I owe you an apology.” Roy said, wrapping his right hand over his left. “A few months ago I made a very poorly planned offer that you rightfully rejected.” Ed opened his mouth to say something, but Roy held up a hand. “No, let me finish.” He took in a steadying breath. “ I knew and disregarded the fact that you have never been the type to settle for anything but whole hearted commitment, and for that I sincerely apologize.” He took a steadying breath, “I have spent these last few months reflecting on what you said, and I have begun to realize that I am also no longer particularly interested in meaningless relationships, and I was hoping that you would do me the honour of joining me for dinner some time.”

Ed stared at him with an expression of surprise and distrust. “Just dinner?” He asked.

“Just dinner, Edward. It has been a while since I have taken anything slowly, but I think that this will be worth it.”

“I’m not scared or something.” Ed said, hands clenched, “I’m not some fairytale virgin princess who needs ‘wooing’ or whatever you call it, I just don’t want it to be a one time thing, you know? I like you, like a lot, and I can’t let myself get involved with you if I know there is an expiry date--Not that I am asking for ‘forever’ or whatever bullshit that is-- but that it's not only for a weekend.”

“I understand.” Roy said, nodding. “I think we should see where it takes us.”

Ed gave a faint smile, “Saturday at 7?” He asked.

Roy grinned, “Saturday at 7.”

* * *

If he had thought the mutterings about the calendar were bad before, it was nothing like the flat out riot that seemed to take over central command. By winter solstice, Maes had sold every last copy of the calendar, and Hawkeye was pleased to have her office space back to its usual state of cleanliness. Between ‘fuck, marry, kill’ and other highly inappropriate games, Roy was ready to never darken the cafeteria threshold ever again. 

“My first act as Fuhrer will be to hold quarterly meetings about appropriate workplace conversation.” Roy huffed, entering his living room and falling back into his well-loved sofa.

“Hmm.” Ed agreed, flipping a page in his textbook. “Would that begin before or after the addition of miniskirts to the officer uniform?”

“That is a good point.” Roy said thoughtfully. “Miniskirts must, as always, be my first priority.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Ed said. “I know you’ve stolen my measurements, and it's only a matter of time before I have to figure out how to wear one without giving everyone a good view of my ass.”

Roy laughed, “But that is half the joy of a miniskirt.”

Ed sent him a certain rude hand gesture, “I don’t need more people mooning after me.” He said. “One of the secretaries in Research has my calendar page taped to her agenda. It’s only February! My page isn’t for another 3 months!”

Roy let out a slightly uncertain noise of agreement that made Ed look up from his readings. “Oh, as if you’re any better.” He said, sliding closer to him on the sofa, letting the glow of the fireplace dance across his face in the dim light. “You’ve had that fucking picture basically tattooed on to your eye lids.” He scowled, “How many copies of it has Hawkeye confiscated?”

“Three.” He admitted, rather sheepishly.

“Fuck me.” Ed cursed, throwing the book to the side, and rolling his eyes. “Hmm, actually.” Ed sat up straight, and grinned, “That’s not a bad idea. Fuck me, Roy.” With one swift movement, he swung a leg over his lap, and Roy found himself in the rather familiar position of having a lap full of Fullmetal.

“Ed--” He tried, but was cut off with a biting kiss that made him pull the other man closer.

“We’ve been dating for like 6 weeks.” Ed said, pulling back just far enough to glare. “Either we start fucking, or we say a vow of chasity. Make up your mind.”

“How would we go around saying the vow of--” Roy was cut off by a searing kiss that left him unable to do anything other than let Edward push him down into the cushions.

“I can always fuck you, if that’s what’s holding you back.” Ed breathed into his ear. 

Oh. That was an idea. Roy felt the flood of need in his core, and tightening his hands on Edward’s hips, he let out a breathy laugh which Ed returned with his signature dazzling grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This only took me 3 months to procrastinate on! I am sincerely sorry for keeping it porn free, but I figure I must occasionally write something that those people who don't want to read porn can enjoy.
> 
> As I said before, this story is dedicated to my uncle Greg, who is so concerned about my potential as a good christian wife, that he sent me an email with links to resources on how to live a 'pure life in preparation for marriage' His email annoyed me because I was hopeful that the buzz my phone made was another lovely comment from one of you wonderful people, but no, it was garbage. He clearly doesn't know me at all. Anyways I'm off to research the depths of the internet to discover what the sexyist, dirtiest, nastiest BDSM related crap I can find, and use it to write a RoyEd fic. Feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.


End file.
